OzOz
- What ? - You know what.
I do not know what.
Take a wild guess.
Um... It...
Is it because I sang the music from the Kia-Ora advert ?
I remember that. # It's too orangey for crows #
You think this is funny ?
No.
I guarantee in about three minutes you will definitely not be laughing.
Look, boys, if you think I am gonna stand by
and let you beat up my friend, you've got another thing coming.
Oh, we're gonna beat you up, too.
OK.
What do you think we should do ?
Let 'em have it.
Vegetables, a lot of people are scared of them.
Take potato, a lot of people would peel it,
a lot of people would cube it.
I don't like to, I just like to put it down, bang, two halves.
In the pan, potato stew, it's a bit simple,
it's a bit sexy.
- Mike, how sexy am I ? - Ooh, very.
- In a salad... - Daisy.
...in a sausage sandwich,
- with a cup of tea... - Daisy.
How sexy am I ?
Very. You look good.
Really. Good. You look nice.
You don't want to look like you've made
too much of an effort, you know what I mean ?
I'll change my shirt.
This, my friend, is gonna be one of the all-time great
- chicken stew, d'you know why ? - No.
Because of this.
Oregano.
Or oregano to you.
'I got it from a wise old herb merchant
'on one of my many travels.'
This is the good shit.
Woo, mama !
- Oh, hi. - Nice to speak to you finally,
- Tim's told me all about you. - Has he ? What did he say ?
Oh, you know, the usual.
What sort of thing ? You know, specifically ?
Well... that... you're friends,
you share a flat,
and your name's Daisy.
Oh, right.
Is Tim there ?
Oh, yes. Yes. He's just getting his clothes on.
- It's Sophie. - Oh, cheers.
Hello.
- Hey, how are you ? - 'Good.'
Good. Had a nice time last night.
'Me, too. What are you up to ? '
You know, just making myself beautiful.
Listen,
Bisley, I can't come out tonight.
- Damien's got me working late. - Really ?
There's been a misprint on the cover of one of the new issues.
- 'Which one ? ' - Total Cult.
- Well, Ok. Fine, fine. - 'We can do it another night.'
We can do it next week.
How do you mean, do it ?
You'll find out next week.
OK.
Bye, Bisley.
Bye.
I can't believe she's sleeping with her boss !
- You what ? - This is how it starts.
It's excuses ! Oh, I've got to work late.
A presentation, I've got to speak to the New York office,
they're five hours behind.
I can't come round because I've had ever such a long day.
It's me and Sarah. It's Milly and Egg.
It's textbook. 0w.
What'd you do that for ?
Well, you said to me that every time you suffered emotional paranoia
as a result of your break-up with Sarah,
I was to slap you round the face.
Yes, I did say that. Thank you.
We could go out.
What, you and me ?
Yeah.
What about your stew ?
It's finished. I've just got to let it simmer.
I don't know, Daisy.
Come on, it'd be fun.
What else are you gonna do ?
Ok, then.
Great.
- Who is it ? - Brian.
Do you wanna come in ?
Thought you were going out.
Twist's in a mood.
Ooh, what a surprise. An unreliable girlfriend.
- What's the matter with her ? - I don't know.
- She didn't really specify. - That's right. You've got to guess.
Must be strange being a woman.
- All that power. - You what ?
They are the true creators,
because all men do is destroy things.
Yeah.
They are the true children of nature. Gaia's foot soldiers.
- They look like us. - Speak for yourself.
Two arms, two legs.
Two faces.
There's so much more to it than that.
If a group of women spend enough time together,
their menstrual cycles synchronise.
- Men have got that, too. - Mike.
No, no. Men have got an unspoken telepathy.
A biological connection between male psyches.
Whether they know each other or not, put a group together,
- always the same. - What d'you mean ?
Shall we show him ?
Mike, I really am not...
- Oooooh. - Oh, shit.
- Boom. - Phuuuuuu.
Tits.
- Bang. - Prrrrrrrrrrrr.
Trrrr.
Phat phat.
Phat.
- Brrrrrrrrr. - Brrrrrrrrrr.
Trrrrrrrrr.
- You ready ? - Yeah.
- Manoeuvres tonight ? - Reconnaissance.
- Tanks ? - Tim, I've learnt me lesson.
- Oh, yeah ? - I'm not gonna steal another tank.
- Right. - What time are you going ?
2100 hours.
- That's 9 o'clock. - Right.
Would you mind taking Colin for a walk about eight ?
Hmm ?
- 2000 hours. - Oh, yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
That's never happened to me before.
- Minicab ? - No, thanks.
Look after my stuff. You're less likely to get searched than I am.
- Why ? - You look like a teacher.
- That's enough of that. - Sorry, miss.
- What's the plan ? - Right.
'We get the Tube into Soho
'and go for drinks in a fashionable gay bar,
'before catching a play by a hip playwright,
'preferably with a swearword in the title.
'Then we go to a swinging coffee house and discuss the play
'before retiring to a jazz bar to listen to xylophone music
'and talk about life until it's time to catch the last Tube.'
- What d'you think ? - I'm gonna go home.
What do you wanna do ?
Right, we get the Tube into Camden and head
for the nearest bog-standard indie bar.
'We smoke a fatty boom-batty on the way
'so we're munted when we order our first drink.
'We stay a few hours, where, if all goes to plan,
'we'll end up laughing like a couple of twats.
'We relocate to a high-street pub
'with an eclectic jukebox and keep drinking until we
'A: Fall over, B: Puke or C: Fall over and puke.'
I like my idea better.
- You would. - It's more interesting.
- Toss a coin ? - Ok.
Two pints of cider.
- And crisps. - Crisps as well.
- Two packets. - Two packets.
- And nuts. - Nuts.
- Honey roast. - I'm ordering the drinks.
I can't remember what I was gonna say. Fuck it.
- Two tequila slammers, please. - Yes !
It's ups and downs.
Like when you're travelling.
More than normal. Not more ups and downs.
- Do you know what I mean ? - No.
What did you wanna be when you were a kid ?
- Monkey. - A Monkee.
No, Monkey.
- Monkey. - Yeah, Monkey.
It was great.
- What did you wanna be ? - Elvis.
That's stupid, he's a bloke.
♪ I don't wanna be a tiger
♪ Cos tigers play too rough ♪
Go on.
Woo.
There's a good little fellow.
Right, off to enjoy a night of running round
in the dark with a gun.
You've got to stay and be good for Uncle Michael.
Settle down, relax and get comfy because you, my friend...
are going nowhere.
Oh, bollocks.
Colin ! Colin.
Colin ! Colin !
Colin. Colin !
Coliiiiiiiin !
I'm glad we decided to stay in, Twist.
It's so nice here.
Just you and me together.
Been naughty.
- Naughty ? - I've lost Colin.
- How ? - He ran off.
- Oh. - Brian, we've got to find him.
- Probably come back. - What if he doesn't ?
I've learnt one thing from the military,
- never leave a man behind. - He's a dog.
- Or a dog. - Ok.
Bye, Twist.
- Sophie seems very nice. - Yeah, she's cool.
Cool, yeah.
She's quite quiet.
You're joking. She talks more than you do.
- Really ? - Yeah.
And she's very funny as well. She really makes me laugh.
Oh well, I'm glad for you. Really glad. Glad.
- What about you ? - Glad.
You got someone special ?
No, I think I put men off.
- No. - No, I do. Trust me.
Hey, come on. Pull my finger !
Look, you're a beautiful, talented woman.
I'm gonna go to the toilet. I bet when I come back
some bloke'll be chatting you up.
You having a good night ?
What ?
Are you having a good night ?
Yeah. You ?
Oh, yes.
Listen, you don't know where I could get me hands
- on some puff ? - Er, not at the moment.
- Have you got any ? - A couple of spliffs' worth.
Can I buy it off you ?
No, no. It's for me and my dog.
D'you remember the Kia-Ora advert with...
♪ It's too orangey for crows ♪
- Brilliant. - What are you talking about ?
You remember that.
No.
Hi, Dom. This is Duane Benzie.
'This is Duane Benzie.'
Tim, hi. I didn't expect to see you here.
You stole my girlfriend.
- Oh, Tim. This is... - Duane.
Tim, hi.
This isn't the kind of place I'd expect to find you.
Funny. It's exactly the sort of place I'd expect to see you.
What's that supposed to mean ?
- You work it out. - All right, then.
You're Duane. The Duane Duane.
Duane Benzie.
The Duane Benzie that...
Stole my girlfriend.
Well, that depends on which way you look at it.
I think Tim looks at it that way.
Yes, I do.
So, Tim. How have you been ? Haven't seen you since...
Yeah, well. No hard feelings, eh ?
You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.
Like I said, no hard feelings.
You're lucky I didn't sue.
- Why didn't you ? - I'm not a monster, Tim.
Besides, I know you don't have much in the way of assets.
I... heard you got back together with Sarah.
She came to her senses.
She not out tonight ?
- No, she's... - Working late ?
- A presentation. - Putting in overtime ?
- What's that supposed to mean ? - You work it out.
Daisy, we're leaving.
Well, nice to meet you, Daisy.
Yeah, yeah. Pull my finger.
Daisy.
At last I will emerge as the victor.
At last I will have revenge.
- Minicab ? - No thanks.
I'm glad we got out of there when we did.
That could have got a little bit nasty.
How about that spliff ?
I told you, we're not selling.
- We're not buying. - You what ?
Blondie's got something for me,
- ain't you ? - No.
Yes. Daisy, give 'em the stuff.
- They're only about 12. - Look at them.
Woo, mama !
Just what I've been looking for.
- I cannot believe this. - Tim.
- I got mugged by the Red Hand Gang. - Come on.
And my girlfriend's sleeping with her boss.
She's not sleeping with her boss. Besides, what if she is ?
Sometimes it pays to be single. Look at Marsha.
- You know what she told me ? - What ?
I was gonna be an 0lympic athlete, you know.
What's that got to do with anything ?
I'll tell you.
I was a sprinter. A fast one.
Why d'you think I've got such ace pins ?
They're me souvenirs.
Fork-lightning Klein, they called me.
I was all set for stardom.
Sailed through the districts in '67.
Walked the nationals,
all set to wow the 0lympic Selection Committee when suddenly, bang.
- You got shot ? - Might as well have done.
I was coming back from training one night,
when suddenly this Mini Cooper comes out of nowhere
and knocks me off my bike.
Next thing I know, I'm sprawled on the pavement
with this pillock in tight trousers standing over me
saying, "Oh, sorry love, didn't see you, I was going too fast.
"I was drunk."
He gives me his bottle of Jack Daniel's.
"I don't drink," I said.
"Oh, go on, love, it'll help with the pain."
He was not wrong.
My God.
Fractured me tibia, fell behind on me training,
eventually lost interest.
What happened to the pillock ?
I married him in '69.
I often wonder what would have happened
if I hadn't been knocked off my bike.
Where would I be now ?
'Thanks, Des.
'Coming up, the latest from the Five Nations at Twickenham
'and a report from the Davis Cup. Tim.'
Thanks. I'm being stupid, I know.
I'm paranoid. I've been hurt.
I keep thinking about what happened with Sarah.
That is in the history.
Yeah ? That's past. Stop thinking about Sarah.
Well, I don't. I don't think about her, really.
I don't miss her. I don't think what it would have been like
to get married, move into a nice house in Highgate,
have a couple of kids and a surround-sound TV.
I don't think about that. And a studio.
- Thanks. - You're a winner.
Sod the grass. You've got good friends.
You've got a good job and you've got a foxy lady.
I'm the luckiest man in town.
Have a nice night, Tim.
Get on that.
This isn't grass.
- What ? - It's oregano.
How can you tell ?
I'm a catering student.
Get the car.
Can you make your way out now, please ?
We should do this more often.
We could have a blowout for your birthday.
That'd be cool. Hey, here's a plan.
We go home, we watch some telly and we eat some stew.
Now that's a plan I like.
- Have you got your keys ? - No.
Shit, I've left mine in the other pub.
It'll be closing in five minutes.
What ?
You know what.
He who laughs last, laughs longest.
What do you think we should do ?
Let 'em have it.
Ooooh !
(# Samuel Barber: "Adagio for Strings")
Tim, let's go !
- Minicab ? - Yes, please.
Step on it !
Come on !
You bloody idiot.
Have you any idea how much this car cost ?
Why don't you piss off back to Romford where you belong ?
You little prick.
Eh ? Eh ?
Clever boys.
I'm sorry ! I'm sorry !
Thanks, bye.
I can't believe you said "step on it".
- Why ? - I wanted to say it.
D'you think we'll have to wait here all night ?
No.
I'm cold.
Do you know what I was saying earlier on ?
About what ?
About being single and that.
I think the thing is just not to go looking for it, you know ?
I think things happen when you least expect 'em to.
Yeah ?
Yeah.
- Isn't that your dog ? - Aren't those your keys ?
Yeah !
I must have had 'em all along.
Come on.
Have you two been taking Colin out for a midnight stroll ?
Yes.
- Didn't you do reconnaissance ? - Um, sort of.
Come on, you're just in time for stew.
Come on, chop chop.
That was a great stew, Daisy.
Think I'll make another one.